Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I have been right tipsy tonight. No, not drunk, as my typing clearly indicates (by the way, fuck you if you commented on my last drunk post. I don't have to fucking impress you people), but not above the influence either. Drunk enough to receive my visitor.

My visitor is special. He is not on the good side or the evil side. He does not take sides. In fact, quite technically, he does not exist. He is a figment of my imagination. I am well aware that he is a figment, even under the influence, but it's in incredibly bad taste to call your guest imaginary, you know what I mean? Give him at least the dignity of being real.

He doesn't always appear to me when I'm drunk, but on this night he decided to make a visit anyway. This night, I was lost in a bottle of Jack I had been saving for the right occasion that still had not come but fuck it it's alcohol in all honesty does it really need a special occasion? Three or four shots rapid-fire and I was already feeling close to being a stumbler. I remember the days where I drank not to get drunk. I think I preferred that more.

He decided to come when I went to the bathroom to try and keep myself awake. I splashed some water and stared down, lost in thought, when his voice suddenly made me aware of his presence.

“How much longer are you going to be avoiding the problem?”

I groaned, knowing exactly who it was and what he was going to say.

“Not tonight, Eric,” I said. “I'm not in the mood.”

I look up at the mirror to see Eric Riley- or rather, my mind's perception of Eric Riley- standing behind me against the wall with his arms folded. He looked like he did when I always knew him, instead of looking like he did the last time I saw him; short hair, clean shaven, wearing work clothes. The only difference between the Eric I knew and the Eric I saw die was the hole in the stomach of his shirt and the spread of blood around it. His red badge.

“What night are you in the mood?” he asked me. “Every other night I show up, you never want to hear what I have to say.”

“Maybe that's the hint, maybe I don't want to hear you say it.”

“You already know it. I'm you, remember? I'm just reiterating a point.”

“And what point is that?”

He sighed. “What are you doing, man? Drinking yourself to death at night, trying to play the hero during the day? Looking for some other thing to chase after while trying to avoid the main problem for as long as you can? That's not you.”

“Not me?” I snorted. “How do you know what's me? I don't even know me anymore, and I AM me.”

“Maybe not, but my question stands.”

I slam my hand on the counter and turn to face him. “I don't need to hear this.”

“I think you do.”

“Yeah, and who the fuck are you to say it?”

“I'm the guy you left to die on the floor of a warehouse while you went to play the hero.”

“Oh don't start that shit again, Eric, I told you, I went to get help, if I didn't call for the ambulance you would have bled out-”

“I bled out anyway.”

“And that's not my fault.”

“You went in there to kill Conaghan, you went in there to take him on. You went there to try and even a score and avenge Lizzie-”

“I went in there to save you!”

“Then why didn't you?”


It's at this point that the strain becomes too much for my throat and I suffer another coughing fit. I open the cabinets and grab my medicine, and take a quick gulp to alleviate the pain. I put it back and pause to let the medicine work its magic.

“Don't throw that bullshit at me like I wasn't fucking there,” I croaked at him.

“All I know is, I left that building in a body bag,” he said back. “Do you even know how you got out of there? Because I know a lot of other people sure don't.”

“You know how I got out; dragged out on my hands and knees with a fucking tentacle wrapped around my throat.” I coughed again, my throat taking a beating. “I wish I had gotten your position.”

“Oh, here we go with the death stuff again. Haven't heard that twenty times before.”

I got up and turned to him. “I don't have to put up with this.”

I walked out of the bathroom and closed the door, though I knew he'd be right back out in the kitchen waiting for me. Sure enough, I step through the door and there he is leaning against the counter, giving me that “what's wrong with you” look.

“Go away,” I said, sitting back down and pouring myself another shot.

“Why are you so insistent on dying?” he asked, ignoring my demands. “You've made it this far. Why not make it to old age, away from all this?”

I snorted. “You know as well as I do that there's no escaping this line of business. It's keep on fighting until either he dies or we do.”

“What about Redlight?”

I groaned. “Here we go. Didn't see this coming.”

“You know what I am. I'm the part of your mind that doubts that stronger-than-man persona you emulate off every orifice, doubts that part of you that everyone else seems to be fixated on. And right now, that part of you is wondering why you didn't take Redlight up on his offer-”

“Oh, what fucking offer?” I demanded, glaring at him. “Erase my memories? Give me a new identity? Because that's had a GREAT fucking track record, right? Robert got his mind wiped, and guess what? He's still fucking here. Nessa had to get her mind wiped twice. She's probably dead now. Redlight's offer is bullshit.”

“But you encouraged Nessa to take it.”

“I told her not to look for answers. She was free to do whatever she wanted.”

“But you're not?”

I shook my head, more to clear it than agree with him. “I have to stop it. Before more people die.”

“I think more people have died because of you being there than you trying to help,” came the angry retort. “Damien died following your theories. Zero died praising your name. Who's going to be next? Danny? Ava? Reach? How about Celeste-”

I threw the bottle of Jack, missing his head by a fraction of an inch as it smashed against the wall. Glass littered the counter as the whiskey spilled across the floor, leaving a murky brown puddle. We were overcome with silence for a moment, staring at each other. Finally I turned away, rubbing my eyes.

“I can't...I can't give this up. I have to keep trying. And I don't really understand why sometimes, why I do it. But good or bad, I gotta see this to the end.”


“...Because no one else has made it this far.”

Silence again.

“You won't kill Slender Man, Zeke. That's not your place to do it.”

“I know.” I sighed. “But I have to try anyway. At least give whoever is supposed to stop him a fair chance.”

Silence again.

“...would forgetting all this really be that bad?”

I slam my eyes shut. Memories of my childhood, of high school, of the academy, of my job before my last case...they were my memories. My life. To forget would mean they never happened. Would mean I never happened. They were more or less all I had, at this point. But mostly...

“If I forget me, I forget everything that happened. I forget you, I forget Conaghan, I forget those kids that I'm no closer to finding now than I was a year ago...” I gulped down my last drink. “I forget Lizzie...and I can't do that. I can't just let that go.”

“Maybe...that's not such a bad thing...”

I rub my forehead. “I just...I can't, alright? How can you really ask me to forget everyone? Huh?”

When I got no answer, I looked up to acknowledge him, which I had tried not to do the entire time he had been there, but he was gone. Sunken back into the confines of my mind.

Definitely one of my more enjoyable visits.


That's where Damien was located.

I might not post for a while. God knows I'm not going to get another free plane ticket. Driving is gonna take a while, and then finding the exact town and getting my bearings there.

Try not to let everything go to Hell while I'm gone, okay?


  1. I'm in Indiana. It's not that great here.
    Be careful

  2. I know I'm not exactly one to give advice on the matter (admittedly, I drink and smoke like a fish's chimney), but maybe you should stay away from alcohol for the time being.

    And I'm suspecting that the Eric you're seeing isn't the Eric you knew at all. He could be playing with your mind, Zeke, while you're drunk, which is when your willpower to keep him away is low. He could very well be invading your mind, stealing your innermost thoughts, and parrotting them back at you.

    And it's not like we both don't have dark thoughts to hide.

    Stay safe, Zeke. Don't play the hero; you're already one to everyone without trying at all. To me, anyway.

  3. There isn't much I can say or do to comfort you. Not sure you'd even want me too. I'd take what Celeste says seriously though. It's always a possibility.

  4. My friend Jamie and I were from Indiana. What town are you looking for, or landmarks? Maybe I can be of help...


  5. Good luck, Zeke. And stay safe. With Robert quite possibly insane again, M...MIA, and all these new unreliable chucklefucks, you're about the only person I have to look to anymore.

    Just...please make sure you're seeking truth instead of death.

  6. Be careful dear Mystic and stay safe. The absence of the Hermit terrifies many, don't go missing on them as well.

  7. Stay safe, Zeke, and hold on. I know it's got to sound like empty words coming from a screen, but don't you give up. A death wish won't help anyone, yourself included.

    For what it's worth, you're still in my thoughts and prayers. Fair skies and a following wind, my friend.
    ~The Quick

  8. you either have an astounding memory, or a flair for the dramatic. pick whichever one suits you better. =P

    in all seriousness though... Zeke, you need help. though traveling companions come with their own dangers, i really don't think it's safe for you to be alone anymore. it's so easy to lose track of time when you're by yourself, so how do you know you're not losing time?

    that cough is just getting worse and worse, man. and i don't trust those damn pills either.

    i've got a friend in Indianna. i doubt if he knows anything, but i'll ask.

  9. I'm in Indiana right now and there's a hell of a lot of proxies.

    Stay safe.

  10. wasnt zero in indiana too

    it reminds me of that kids show

    eerie indiana

    what is wrong with the heartland of america

    maybe they just get bored when that race is over

  11. As one of the "unreliable chucklefucks" as Jekyll so elegantly said, we look up to you. Hell, I know you are a human, and have human failings. It's why I believe in you.

    Stay safe Zeke.

  12. This might be an unpopular theory, but this seems less like something invading your mind and more like good old-fashioned self doubt.

    Which makes sense. You've been through a lot, a lot of people have died, and most likely you've made a lot of mistakes. It probably doesn't help that you've become a point of inspiration among a whole community. That's a hell of a lot of responsibility.

    If you think about it, considering Redlight's offer, even if for just a minute, is sort of proof that you're still sane.

    I'd like to mention that you've got a lot of friends here. Everything you're going through, you don't have to do it alone.

    I wish you luck in Indiana. Be safe.

  13. I'm so sorry, Zeke.

    Please take care of yourself.

    Both Celeste and AJ make great points. I'd consider both.

    I hear there's some nice Amish folk in Indiana.

    ~ Branwen

  14. ...for some reason I cannot stop thinking of Dead Space.

    'Zeke, you have to make us whole.'

  15. Zeke,

    Just got done reading all your posts, on this blog and the old one (took me all of two days, but I finally caught up).

    I hope your trip proves to be informative and productive.

    Stay Safe.

  16. Finally 100% caught up. And I must say, I'm very concerned about what I'm reading.

    You've got some real Fight Club shit going on, huh? Except you're the badass Tyler Durden, & you've hallucinated a whiny guilt trip to keep you company. Don't let it take over. Don't give into the guilt, I think we know you well enough to be sure you would have saved him if you could. If nothing else, bleeding out in a warehouse is a far, far better fate than whatever Skinny McNoFace had planned for him.

    And furthermore, don't you forget The Arsonist. If you've been researching Damien further, then you know that this 2nd personality of Damien allowed him to defy the thin white douche in shocking ways. I know you're a bad ass Zeke, but have you spit in his face? The Arsonist has, if Dreams in Darkness can be believed. If your mind is splintering to the point of manifesting hallucinations that berate you, at least it may serve as a defense against mental manipulation.

    But be very cautious. Many cases have shown that it is within that damned skinny bastard's power to change the memories & perceptions of those he stalks. I must ask you again about this mysterious medication. Marble Hornets is full of strange pills & medications, which does not bode well in my view for you Zeke. Be VERY sure of what you're taking. It may be doing more harm than good. It may not be doing any good at all.

    And finally, you're so sure he's imaginary? You didn't believe in monsters a year ago. Who is to say that ghosts & spirits don't walk the Earth? I know it sounds like stupid shit, but so did the thin white douche when you first heard of him. Ghost stories go back as far time itself. That damned skinny creature showed up on a forum a few years ago, though who is to say how far back he goes, or if he ever did not exist. Keep an open mind.

    Over all, stay safe as you travel Zeke. You're of no use to anyone dead or sitting in a cell. I'd hate for your friends to have to tip their hand busting you out of something. Enjoy Indiana, & may you find the truth you seek.

    You're still our best hope Zeke. Even with hallucinations, suicidal thoughts, & all the troubles of the world piled on your shoulders, don't be so sure you can't be the one to kill his skinny ass. I have faith. If belief can bring him to life, maybe it can kill him as well.

    I'll be waiting to hear more. Good luck.

  17. Nice to see you're concerned for Ava and I, Zeke, but you need to take a chill pill. Martyring yourself isn't going to help anyone.

  18. What Reach said. You need to do what I can't- put down the bottle and think. Think hard. Eric may or may not be a figment of your mind, but if he isn't, he could be, as mentioned, Slenderdouche getting in your head.

  19. all that you are is a man who needs help and we are here to help you, man have you seen the posts that people have made i wish i could help but i am in canada and if you make a stop in kingston, ON. tell me and i will try to help

  20. Hey Zeke, I've already asked for M's logical advise concerning my blog, now I was hoping for your crazy-as-shit, balls-to-the-walls advise too, in the days so come.

  21. i am sorry to say this but there may be more then one of our tall friends, but it seems that there isn't one in the kingston area, you mite be safe here for a wile, my offer still stands,

  22. If haven't seen the guy in Lake County, California. Try showing up in the area, its nice if you ignore all the potheads. Also, proxies will have a hell of a time getting here.

  23. um what do i say i would say your mad but a certain event may of changed my perspective long story short i got som crazybloak who wants me to do something about the slender wanker i dont know nothing bad has happened yet but the nightmares are getting worse um advice for a 15 year old maybe? oh yeah

  24. he will not help jamie too busy in his own perfetic fight you have your own it is so much better they will see all see al those that bullied and taunted you

  25. can i coment on a blog without you stalking me perhaps

  26. NO.

  27. Sometimes having a split is advantageous. I know mine have saved me more than once.

    I'll extend you the same invitation I extended to Vi, you can come here any time.

  28. Your concern is unexpected and very, very taken to heart, Zeke.

    But I'll have you know it extends both ways. And I would like you to not die while you're following Damien's lead.

    Be careful, come back and thank you, Zeke. You were one of the people I kept in my mind to make me remember myself.

  29. This comment has been removed by the author.

  30. @K you try having what appears to be hacking arsehole who constantly stalks you and sends e-mails that enrage you. for the record i do NOT think this guy is anything other then a hacking bastard. Sorry for the bad grammar but unfortunately my brain goes too fast for the body to keep up. And the dyspraxia oh so good the lack of hand eye co-ordination is so inspiring

  31. I came to the blog cause he follows similar pattens to the ARKy chars in over words i need someone who can guess what he is doing or catch the fucker slipping up

  32. Big break on the Damien front check out Jack Tyler's blog Scared his cousin Drew just found one of your missing pieces The Mother Fucking BONE. We need to find Drew ASAP I'm putting out a call to any and all runners to be on high alert for Drew.


  34. I leave for a few months and miss a bunch of shit. You still alive, Zeke? What's been going on around here. also I think your friends have been following me. In fact I know they have. The white van is super subtle.

    - M

  35. Whoa M's alive! Thank God (who must be a short fat guy, in my book). Glad to see you M, we were worried.

  36. Hee~
    Still so happy and excited about this.

    On the run from the feds too? I can see where that makes posting hard, especially when you don't constantly have computer access...

    ~ Branwen

  37. Spread the word
    See the world
    Free your mind
    Know the truth
    He Who Waits Behind The Wall

    Spread the word
    For the love of God
    Spread the word